The illness affected me in many different areas of my life, procrastination has become an ingrained habit and one I have realized of late how much I have been sabotaging my mental health in many ways by putting off day to day trivial tasks.
Simple things such as putting off going to the store after work so I can go home and relax. I don’t feel like doing things, have lowered tones and feel like it’s all just too overwhelming. I procrastinate often. I put off doing laundry, shopping, making a phone call, paying a bill, making an appointment with my Dr., going for a walk….so many things. At the same time I am angry at the illness and feel frustrated with my thoughts and impulses.
I feel inadequate to manage day to day often tasks. I blame myself for giving in to these impulses at the same time enjoying giving in to them. We learn in recovery this is duality, we want the benefit of both decisions. We are afraid to make decisions and to make mistakes. Nervous persons are often perfectionists, we have standards so high an olympic athlete couldn’t accomplish what we expect of ourselves. We are very sensitive and seek the approval of others. We have lost our confidence in ourselves and blame ourselves for our perceived failures.
Dr Low teaches us that approval from outer environment (anything outside of skin) is a want not a need. It takes time in recovery to believe that. We learn about self endorsement that 1 endorsement from inner environment (ourselves) is worth 1,000 endorsements from outer environment. Dr. Low taught his patients that you can’t strike the muscles with fear and then expect them to carry out their tasks. He taught that we are a strong and capable lot but paralyse ourselves with needless fears. The way to overcome fear is to command our muscles to move and use our will to carry out the task even though it feels very uncomfortable.
The recovery method is a muscle method. It is simple but not easy. When in angry temper (judging others are wrong) we learn to control our muscles not to act. We can express our feelings but should suppress our temper. When in fearful temper (feel discouraged, worry, feel helpless, are despairing, feel inadequate) we learn that movement of the muscles overcomes the defeatism of the brain;
One of the tools I find really helps with procrastination is do the thing one fears and hates to do. I then endorse (give myself a mental pat on the back). I am learning to highlight my gains and to blindspot my failures.
Dr. Low said “ Self Blame- Stop blaming yourself for your averageness, for your average human imperfections, for human limitations. And if you stop blaming yourself you will, incidentally, naturally whittle down that thing now call the passion for distrust. MYFMYA, Pg 311
• Self Blame- “When my patients begin to lash out against themselves, to accuse themselves, to condemn themselves, they do something that give the self condemnation duration…they think of how they acted previously. When I look back on my past, I could easily exclaim, ‘Oh, what a rascal I have been! Well what of it? So, I have been a rascal numerous times. I am an average person. I am like everybody is.” MYAMYF, Pg. 42-43
• Self Blame- Recovery, or any other procedure, can never train you how to change your feelings or how to call upon certain feelings from entering your consciousness. So…don’t blame yourself for lacking a feeling, or for possessing another feeling that you don’t like to possess. MYFMYA, Pg 85
Procrastination is a habit pattern I have developed and we learn in recovery that we can change old habit patterns.
I am working at one event at a time in overcoming this self defeating habit. I am so grateful for recovery where I am learning self acceptance and self love. I am learning to be more accepting of my own human limitations and this helps to accept it in others. My relationships have improved with others and most importantly with myself.
I encourage anyone who wants to get well to stick with Dr Low’s self help method. It takes effort and we all have setbacks and revert to old patterns but we learn to use these as opportunities for personal growth and regain the self confidence the illness has taken from us.
I will always be an apprentice never a master.
North Star
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